Reflecting on Grief

We all go through it to varying degrees. One of the Merriam-Webster definitions for grief is deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement. Bereavement is defined by the same source as the state or fact of being bereaved or deprived of something or someone: the state or fact of being bereaved; especially : the loss of a loved one by death. We relate grief with the death of someone or something. In this brief article, the approach of what grief is not is taken. In the past 13 years, it has been my displeasure to learn what grief is. Up until my late 40s, grief was not something that I was aware of or really knew. In the course of losing my life, my family and my career, grief has shown it’s ugly face, but death has never touched my life. Thus the reason for describing what grief is not. As a starting point of looking at what grief is not, 6 points will be discussed.

Point 1: Grief is not something that occurs instantly. Even if one of our loved ones dies, if we are honest, grief is not the first emotion we feel. Initially, we feel dismay, anger, abandonment, or bewilderment. It is not until later, when all other emotional feelings subside, that we actually feel grief. Grief, the loss of whatever… it can be our parent, spouse or child… it could be a career, a job, a way of life. When all other things settle down following a traumatic event, grief comes to call.

Point 2: Grief is not something we have control over. Once grief comes to call, it settles in as if it owns the house. Grief brings with it thoughts, memories and sorrow. Not meaning to, you think about the lost one. Memories flash into your mind without encouragement. As the old adage goes, you are grief-stricken, like having an illness.

Point 3: Grief is not depression. Grief is oppression. It is caused by other people or events which you have no control over. The actions of others can trigger grief. The abandonment of others can trigger grief. The indifference of others can trigger grief. Depression is an inner attitude. Oppression is effects external to yourself.

Point 4: Grief in not something that goes away in a day or two. Once grief settles in, it stays for awhile. Grief can last for a few days to a lifetime depending upon what has triggered the grief.

Point 5: Grief is not something that happens in the physical realm of our being. Grief is triggered in and lives out its life in the Spiritual realm. A strong Faith is the only defense one has against grief. Physical strategies like drug intervention, exercise or new projects to distract you have no lasting effect. Grief will find a way to opening the door back into your heart one way or other.

Point 6: Grief is not something that happens to people who have no Love in their lives. Grief occurs in connection with something you have loved in your life. The love of money, people and things will lead to grief and allow it's door to open.

So… The reason for writing this Hub is? In August, an acquaintance of mine got a divorce. In the 2 years that I watched he and his wife fighting, arguing and living out the journey to their divorce, I remembered the course of my life through my own divorce 20 years earlier. Up until the point of this man’s divorce, I had never grieved over my own. In watching those two people, I remembered and understood the course of my life back then. The memories were overwhelming when they came. Never before had I been able to confront the feelings and sadness related to my own divorce. The betrayal of my husband and children was something that was never allowed to enter my mind. My husband had children with another woman, whom he swore meant nothing to him. He was just a “stud service”. My children entertained the relationship between my husband and this other woman. They knew about their siblings and kept it from me. My husband had told our children that “your mother will never have to know if you don’t tell her”. As I watched this man talk terrible about his wife, do everything he could to make her look bad, profess to be a saint himself and lie to everyone about most everything, I realized these are the things my family had done to me. Grief! Grief is the acknowledgement that you have lost everything that had meaning to you in regard to a person, career, life.

We must grieve to be able to move on and to bring the Truth into our lives. The Mourner’s Kaddish is my Saving Grace from God. Without it, I would not have made it through the effects of my acquaintance’s divorce on my own memories. Please, if you grieve for anyone or anything, please consider saying the Mourner’s Kaddish over and over and over again until Peace again Rules your heart.

Love Always and God Bless! Sarah